my immortal
by Music of the wind
Summary: Set after Hells Bells. Anya is heart broken after Xander left her at the alter. Instead of running away from his mistake he tries to make it right. Will they ever make it work or is it too late


**My immortal**

_I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears; if you have to leave I wish that you would just leave. Your presence still lingers here and it won't leave me alone._

Anya sat at the kitchen table in shock. She couldn't believe that Xander had left her on their wedding day. Tears rolled down her cheeks. Buffy put her arm around the ex-demon and whispered soothingly, "Hey, hey Anya it'll be okay. Shh, it'll be okay."

Anya sobbed loudly, "He left me, Buffy. I hate him! I love him, but I hate him! How could I have been so stupid? I was a vengeance demon for God sakes! I helped millions of women get revenge on men who did exactly this. Why did I fall into this, Buffy? I don't understand."

Buffy hugged Anya close to her. "I know, sweetie. I know it hurts and it sucks. It's not fair. Change out of that dress, and I'll fix you a cup of hot tea. That'll make you feel better."

Anya sniffled and nodded her head. She made her way to Buffy's room to get dressed. She pulled out the first thing she could get her hands on. It was a pair of sweats and a sports bra. She changed clothes and for the first time since she had gotten dressed dared to look in the mirror. The face that looked back at her had swollen, red rimmed, bloodshot eyes, and tear stained cheeks.

Quickly Anya turned away from the mirror and splashed cool water on her face which felt feverish from her constant crying. Then she took soap and washed off all traces of the running mascara.

Once that was finished she went back over to the bed and grabbed Xander's pillow. Anya took a deep shuttering breath and inhaled his sweet scent. Her eyes itched as more tears begged to flow forth from her stinging eyes but she fought them back. Never again would she shed another tear for Xander Harris. She let go of the pillow and eventually fell asleep due to emotional and physical exhaustion.

When she woke up three hours later there was a cup of tea on the night table along with a note "Anya, had to go patrolling. I'll be back as soon as I can. The most important thing is to put the blame where it belongs. Anya, this isn't your fault. I full well intend to kick Xander's ass when I see him next. Feel better. Love, Buffy."

Anya got up and reheated her tea in the microwave. Then she sat on the couch and tried to stop thinking. Xander was in her every thought. It broke her heart to even think his name let alone say it. Softly she started to sing, "Mr. Xander Harris, that's what he is to the world outside. That's the name he carries with pride. I'm just lately Anya not very much to the world I know; all these years with nothing to show. I've boned a troll. I've wreaked some wrath. I like to bowl. I'm good with math. Who am I now? I reply I'm the Missus. I will be his Missus. Mrs. Anya Christina Emanuella Jenkins Harris. What's the point of loving? I mean except for the sweaty part. What's the point of losing your heart? Maybe if you are lucky being a pair makes you twice as tall. Maybe you aren't losing at all. No need to cover up my heart. See above free sweaty part. So, maybe love is pretty smart, then so am I. I've found my guy. I'll be Missus. I will be his Missus. Mrs Anya Lame-ass –made up name Harris. We'll never part. Not if we can. If we start then here's my plan. I'll show him what bliss is. I'll welcome him with kisses. This is a Missus who misses her man. He's my Xander and he's awfully swell. He makes financial sense as well. Although he can be I'll never tell. Just stand aside. Here comes the bride. I will be his Missus. I will be his Missus. I will be…"

Anya finished singing and burst into tears again. She had loved Xander with all of her heart and he didn't care. He had walked out on her and it broke her heart. Just then Willow showed up and pulled the ex demon into her lap. "Shh, Anya its okay. Shh."

Tara came in as well with boxes of tissues and chocolate. Quietly she knelt beside her friend. "Ahn, come on sweetie, this isn't like you. Here, I got your tea this should help you calm down. Just don't think about Xander. It'll be okay, sweetie. I promise it'll be okay."

Anya blubbered, "I gave him everything and he just left me. I hate him! God, I love him so much! How could I have been so stupid? I could never hate Xander….. He meant everything to me. I gave up being a demon because I wanted him to love me. I guess I'm just not good enough."

Willow put her hand on the ex demon's cheek. "No, sweetie. No. Don't think like that. Both you are very young yet. That demon showed him things that made him think marrying you was a mistake. He'll come around."

Anya nodded. "I hope you are right. The other demons said this was a mistake. God, what am I doing?"

Tara put her hand on the ex demon's shoulder. "It's okay. Anya, it's ok. Just get some sleep. You'll feel better in the morning. Drink your tea and then into bed."

_These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears. I held your hand through all of these years but you still have all of me._

Anya stumbled back into her room and sat on the bed. She remembered the first time she realized that Xander loved her.

Flashback: Anya was sitting on her bed when Xander came into the room and said "I got to say something. I don't think I've made it clear. I'm in love with you. Powerfully painfully in love with you; the things you do. The way you think. The way you move. I get excited every time I'm about to see you. You make me feel like I've never felt before in my life like a man. I just thought you might want to know." End flashback.

Anya grabbed Xander's pillow again and hugged it tightly. She wished that he was here now to make her feel safe and warm. Everyone kept telling her that time would make the pain less but she didn't see how. This pain felt like it was filling up her every pore and instead of sweat, tears ran down her face.

The bed felt so cold and empty without Xander she didn't know if she could sleep alone. She could hear Tara in the kitchen and called, "Tara? Would you mind sleeping with me? I can't sleep. I'm so used to having Xander in the bed."

Tara came upstairs and sat on the bed. "I don't mind. I'll sit in this chair though this way Willow doesn't think anything is going on. I'm here, sweetie, just go to sleep."

The blonde witch took the ex-demon's hand and stroked it softly. It was a long time before Anya spoke up. "I always took care of Xander. When you guys were all fighting and he was sad, he didn't think he was worth anything and I proved him wrong. I told him he was a great boyfriend and I loved him. Whenever he was scared I tried to hide my own fear to help him. Like when Mrs. Summers died he was so frightened and I had my own fear about death but I forced it aside and helped him. I thought it actually meant something to him but all he did was take my heart and throw it away."

Tara moved from her chair and sat on the end of the bed. "Ahn, it wasn't your fault. Xander got cold feet and ran away. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you. He loves you very much. Buffy is going to kill that demon for you if that will help."

Anya nodded and then fell into a restless sleep. Even though Xander was far away he held her whole heart.

_You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the lie you left behind. Your face it haunts my once pleasant dreams. Your voice has chased away all the sanity in me. I've tried so hard to tell myself that you are gone. Though you are still with me I've been alone all along._

Three days later Anya still wasn't feeling any better. She couldn't forget about Xander. She still felt that all his love for her had been a lie. Her friends were there for her every step of the way. She woke up from a dream and was shocked that she could hear his voice. Softly she whispered, "Xander? Am I dreaming?"

Xander sighed and kissed her hand. "No, you aren't. I think we have a lot to talk about."

Anya sobbed, "No, I'm dreaming again! I can't believe this. I've gone crazy!"

Xander pulled her into a hug. "No, you aren't. I love you so much. I shouldn't have ever ran away. Can you ever forgive me?"

Anya opened her eyes and blinked. "You are really here! I can't believe it! For once it wasn't dream. I love you. I never stopped. There's nothing to forgive. It was a demon. That's what made you doubt our love, nothing more."

Xander smiled. "I love you, Anya with everything in me. Will you marry me again? For real this time?"

Anya threw her arms around Xander's neck. "Oh God yes!"

The two of them crawled into the bed together and Anya slept better then she had since her wedding.


End file.
